OK, I use this blog for informational purposes, but thought this was to good not to post.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.  To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.  I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground.  The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower.  The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.  I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger.  I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand.  Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body.  My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.  Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.  I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time.  I beg to differ.  Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.  It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times.  It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together.  It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.  My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go.  I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.  But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of.  The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.  At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough.  It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.  Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think ‘Oh God please die… Pleeeeaze die’.  But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.  God did not take me that day.  He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later.  The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.  It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 – Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 – I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 – Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 – My left eye will not open.

5 – My right eye will not close.

6 – The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now.  Seriously!  I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 – My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 – I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).

That day changed my life.  I now have a new-found respect for things.  I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

OK, this is the WRONG way to test a fence. Be sure your electric fence tester is always by your side…lol!

An electric fence tester is essential to anyone that is thinking of building or may have a electric fence on their property.  The maintenance of the fence is just as important as the construction.  Knowing how much voltage is running through your fence at any given time will ensure the safety of the animals that you are trying to detour.You can easily check the voltage of your fence with an electric fence tester. There are several types of electric fence testers on the market today and buying the right one to meet your needs is critical. In my experience shopping for the perfect electric fence tester for my farm, I came across two different types.  The first one was a tester that checked the voltage by using a lighting system.  The second one was a digital electric fence tester that had a very useful digital readout.  I will give you my thoughts on the two and hopefully you will be able to make a good choice following my reviews.

Not having any electric fence stores in my area I had to go online to shop for a tester.  There are several good retailers online, so don’t worry about not being able to find a source.  Just be sure to check the quality of the sites and read any reviews of the retailer before deciding to make your purchase. If you live in a area where you may have a electric fence shop then you are already ahead of the game and have a great resource for building and maintaining your fence.  A good piece of advice is to ask questions!  The more knowledge you gain the better quality fence your will build and the maintenance portion will become second nature.

The first tester I purchased was a Zareba RSVT8 from Amazon.   I like this retailer because the reviews they have are pretty spot on.  I decided on a Zareba electric fence tester because form what I gathered they are the main player in electric fence testers. I also have heard some great things about the Dare electric fence tester, but decided to stay with Zareba.  This model was an 8 light model that did not have many bells and whistles.  It had eight different voltage readings ranging from 600v – 7000V.  When you attach the alligator clip to the fence (be sure to use the ground wire) it had a light right next to each reading. Depending on what voltage you had going through the fence, the tester would send a signal to the light that next to the correct voltage.  Although it did not give me an exact readout, it was a good basic tester that would give you a very quick estimate on what your voltage. Only weighing one pound, this electric fence tester is light in the hands and easy to carry.  One down side to this tester was the ground wire.  It was really too short for me to correctly ground the tester.  I have a fairly high fence and wanted to test several levels.  At best the ground wire was 3’ which did not give me any slack towards the top of the fence.  You can’t beat the price at $18 if you want a low level tester.

The second one was a digital electric fence tester model number DEFT1 and was purchased from Valleyvet.  This had a digital read out that read voltage from 500 – 9,900 volts. Power source was a standard 9 volt battery that came with the unit.  The LCD display was very easy to read. In order to prolong battery life this unit as a auto shut off, after about a minute of not using this unit it will shut completely off. Also very light weighing just less than 1.5 pounds with the battery installed. The digital tester will work on poly wire or rope, poly tape, or metal wire; self-contained ground probe. Needless to say after about 20 feet of checking our fence…I through the lighted one away (OK not really).  This digital fence tester had all the bells and whistles.  Costing just under $40, you won’t be disappointed!